u must read this
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
"The moral of this story is:"
"Always keep your condoms in your car."
funny.com
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna kick their asses!
5. When people say, while watching a film, "Did you see that?". No, Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya, Sunshine?
7. When something is "new and improved!"...Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn't be new.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever experiences!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Dumb-ass?
murder
stabed this guy i work with in the arm (hes lucky i missed) the reason is bc about 7 months ago he sold my dad 3 grams of ice (for anyone who doesnt know thats supped up meth) an my dad got pulled over for "swerving on the road" so he swalloed the ice. they took my dad to the police station bc they asked him if they could search his vechile he said no, they still fucking searched it. he had a pipe in the car so they took him to jail. bout 30 min later, he told the police what he had swollaed so the took him to clinton hospital and they they gave him epicac (which makes u trow up like crazy) ........ then they medflighted him to methodits hospital in little rock , died three times on the way to the hospital.... he was on life support for 4 days with a possibilty of him never living a normal life again.... to make a long story shorter hes alive now no permanant damage. thats a little back ground info why i fucking hate the guy w my dad shouldnt have been duing ice an shouldnt have bought it from him, but he shouldnt have been fuckin sellin it ethier so at work dudes he asked me if i wanted to try some i said u stuipid sun of a bitch what the fuck are u thinkin..... i grabed a knife an made it look like a slipped...........
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Football fuckin sucked yesterday we had practice till like 5:30 somthen an i have football during school at 8th hour so thats somthen like 3 1/2 hours of hitten i look like shit today bc DK grabed my helment from behind me as i went to hit the quarterback an he tried to jerked my helment off causing my chinstrap to slid across my nose riping the skin off of it and made the chin strap stop at my eyes leaving cuts on my eyelids that fucking hurt bad blood was just dripin from where skin used to be, i sat out for like three plays long enough to slow the blood down bc i put a rag on it. i went back out on defence (im a defencive end) an it was a pass play 29 bootleg twins right i think so once again they left me open an i tackeled Derick my luck i just had to tackel him where the only fuckin patch of sand is and i rolled wit him and it tore skin off of my right arm right below my elbow(sand burns), then some how i got knoked over an Alex G. stepped on my ankel i was out of it after that my ankel is like swolen an a shade of purple.an we practice again today, what fun.
latta William Dale
lol
Confucius say: Man go to bed with itchy butt, wake up with smelly finger.
Confucius say, "Man who stand on toilet, high on pot."
MORAL)DONT OPEN YA MOUTH EVERY TIME WATER FALLS FROM THE SKY.
sup
Little Johnny and His Gold Fish
One day Little Johnny is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. "What are you doing?" he asks. Little Johnny replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him." "That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor. Little Johnny shouts back, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat!"
grr
Wheres God?
There were two very bad brothers, and they were always making trouble.
One day their school burned down, and the parents knew that their two sons had something to do with it. As a result the parents decided to take the kids to church so they would learn about what is right. They decided to take the younger child first. When the younger child went to church the priest asked "Son do you know where god is?" the little boy got scared. So the priest asked again but he was a little mad this time"Son do you know where god is?" the kid is know really very scared. The priest got even madder and asked "Son do you know where god is?" the kid started to shake. The priest was know furious and he asked "Son do you know where god is?" the kid got really scared and ran home saying "oh shit,oh shit,oh shit". When he got home he started to pack his bag and his older brother asked why he was packing, the little boy replied "we have to leave NOW" His brother says "Why?". "The church is missing god and they think we took him!!"
lol
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read. "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused, then asked the class, "And what do you think the man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said excitedly, "I know! I know! He said, 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'"
dumb
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately. Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter. England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag. Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail. Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years. (Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask. (Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole -- are you ready for this? -- the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.) (Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help... Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it. (Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. |
E-Mail Errors..
It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.
smile test
A noted sex therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex. To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people, and goes down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is grinning from ear to ear.
"Twice a day," the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer is no. "Twice a week?" "No." "Twice a month?" "No." The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to "once a year".
The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?"
The man answers, "Tonight's the night!"
lol sucks 4er him
A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid.", answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause.
"Uh.. is this 832-4821?"
Can u???
You are on you way to the city (to get some food and fun). At some point in time the road splits itself and you have to stop. You don´t know which way to go. After waiting some time two identical twin sisters come down the road. You recognize them and remembers that one always tells the truth, while the other always lies. What ONE question would you ask to know which way to go to the city ?
< no, you did NOT bring a lie detector ;-) >
